Things my toddler has done to insult me

• He called me “moo moo” instead of mama
• He mockingly smacked his lips when I was eating grapes
• He grabbed a handful of my bare stomach (and cackled)

For someone who has limited life experience and a tenuous grasp of the English language, he knows how to stick the knife in. Toddlers are gloriously unaware of social protocol and are quite happy to point out that you’ve eaten one too many creme eggs over the Easter holidays (and you chomp on your food like a rabid chimpanzee). 

It is unnerving to be mocked by a miniature version of my husband, but my son has inherited more than just his looks. He is a shameless mickey-taker (not the wisest career move by someone who relies on me for basic necessities). Imagine teaching him farmyard animal noises so he can impress his mates at nursery, only for him to turn on me so savagely. I may never recover. 

You may long for the day your child starts talking. Be careful what you wish for. You too will be humbled by a toddler who doesn’t yet know how to wipe their own nose. Can’t string two words together; only too happy to pelt you with brutal commentary.

Excuse me while I slink off to lick my wounds and question everything about myself.

Moo.